The Day the Replicators Went Offline
by Lannawannabe
Summary: there is no coffee. be afraid, be very afraid.


The Day the Replicators All Went Offline And There Was No Coffee Anywhere On The Ship  
  
BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID...  
  
By: Lannawannabe  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Voyager crew, the ship, of anything else Star Trek. I just own this story.  
  
Note: It just came to me. Please forgive any stupidity.  
  
BETA READER'S NOTE: I love this piece of Lannawannabe's! It is so funny! I couldn't stop laughing. I give this story a ranking of FLEET ADMIRAL in humor. I suggest that all read this story. You will enjoy it. I love it so much. I love it the way I have never anything else before. Umm, humm, Yeah.  
  
-Commander Lex, Lannawannabe's Beta Reader.  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Captain Janeway stormed onto the Bridge and sat stiffly in her seat. "STATUS REPORT!" She barked nastily.  
  
Tom, a bit taken aback, answered. "Heading: 336.59. Destination: Alpha Quadrant. Thrusters, Impulse, and Warp Engines are all functioning at peak efficiency."  
  
It was Harry's turn next. He had to admit to himself that he was terrified. The Captain was in a horrible mood and if he got one thing wrong. "All stations report no problems. All systems are functioning within normal parameters, excepting the replicators which are expected to be back online at 0200 hours tomorrow morning."  
  
"I want them up faster," spat out Janeway. "Tuvok?"  
  
"Shields, phasers, and torpedoes all operating at peak efficiency. Security teams report no problems."  
  
B'Elanna reported short and sweet. "The work on the replicators will be done quicker once I can go. We'll get them online ASAP." She stood up and left, as a nameless ensign took her station.  
  
Chakotay stood up to take his turn after B'Elanna left. "All crewmen reported in on time. Ensign Anderson has a mild case of the tarkesion flu, but the Doctor says there is no threat to the crew."  
  
"Good. I'll be in my Ready-Room. You have the Bridge, Commander." She turned to go. "If you think you can handle it." She said under her breath. As the door to her Ready-Room closed, everyone was staring at her back.  
  
"Who spit in her coffee this morning?" Tom said smartly.  
  
Then everyone understood. The grin melted away from Tom's face.  
  
There was no coffee.  
  
"Oh no," whispered Chakotay as he collapsed into his chair. Harry let out a little noise of fear. Tom groaned and laid his head down on his console. Tuvok appeared to be blown away and said,  
  
"This is undoubtedly a catastrophic event. I suggest we assign more crewmembers to repairing the replicator system."  
  
"I agree." Chakotay tapped his COM badge. "Chakotay to all hands except the Captain. I have a very important announcement. The Captain hasn't had any coffee today." Around the ship people screamed, and fainted, and simply lost all motor function. Even the Doctor and Seven gasped. (Icheb didn't understand, but when Seven explained the Captain's addiction, he merely stated that the situation must be resolved quickly.) "I know, this is horrible. So I'm making a standing order. No one sleeps until those replicators are online. Report to your stations, you will be given further instructions there. Chakotay out."  
  
++++  
  
Meanwhile, in Engineering.  
  
B'Elanna was in the midst of coordinating the biggest joint effort to repair one system that had ever taken place on Voyager. She was giving everyone a different job. At the rate she had planned the replicators would be online in no time! She tapped her COM badge. "Torres to all hands except the Captain. Right. Listen up. If this is going to go smoothly, we need to be perfectly coordinated. Once you finish a task, report in to me and I'll assign you another. Don't do anything until ordered. Okay, let's do this, people! Torres out."  
  
The ship was buzzing with activity. Neelix brought water and small snacks around. People worked non-stop. Even the Doctor helped.  
  
++++  
  
Later, in Jeffries Tube 47 GAMMA.  
  
Crewman Mendez was exhausted. He finished his 16th task in an hour and leaned back to rest for a minute. But just after he sighed, his COM badge beeped.  
  
"Torres to Mendez," he heard.  
  
"Yes?" He replied wearily.  
  
"Have you finished those relays?"  
  
"I was just about to report into you, Lieutenant."  
  
"Good. Now get to the Mess Hall and (insert Technobabble here) the replicator there."  
  
"Yes, M'am. Mendez out." He sighed, packed up his Engineering kit, and started crawling toward the Mess Hall.  
  
++++  
  
Not Much Later, in the Ready-Room.  
  
Captain Janeway sat fuming at her desk. The door chimed and she growled, "Enter." Chakotay came in, sporting an expression of pure fear.  
  
"Sorry to bother you, Captain, but I needed to deliver these crew reports."  
  
"Fine. Leave them here," she said shortly, gesturing to a clean place on her desk.  
  
Chakotay turned to go. "Oh, one more thing," he said, turning back to her."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
He jumped at her tone. "B'Elanna will have the replicators up in less than an hour." And he practically ran out of the room.  
  
++++  
  
Directly after that, on the Bridge.  
  
"Whoa. She's creeping me out," Chakotay muttered as he sat down.  
  
"I know what you mean," Tom said. "The last time she came out here she was practically biting my head off when I told her that I had to drop out of warp to avoid being hit by a pulsar."  
  
"B'Elanna had better get those replicators online in less than an hour or I'm toast."  
  
++++  
  
Meanwhile, back in Engineering.  
  
B'Elanna thought that the replicators were nearly done. Then a console blew out. "What the HELL happened?!" She demanded furiously.  
  
Vorik was the first to answer. "An EPS conduit over loaded. It will add an approximate 45 minutes of work at the rate we have been conducting."  
  
B'Elanna growled and started spitting every curse she could think of; Klingon, human, and other miscellaneous languages. "The Captain expects the replicators in less than an hour!"  
  
"I can not-"  
  
"THE HELL YOU CAN'T!! I EXPECT THAT CONSOLE FIXED IN 20 MINUTES! UNDERSTOOD?"  
  
The entire crew was silent as they watched the exchange. Vorik, under his calm Vulcan exterior, was frightened out of his wits. It had been a long time since he had seen his superior officer this angry. So he nodded. "I will do my best."  
  
B'Elanna sighed and turned to the rest of the crewmen. "Well, what are you waiting for!? Get back to work!"  
  
Once again Engineering was a fury of commotion.  
  
++++  
  
A short time later, in the Ready-Room.  
  
"Must. have. caffeine! Must. have. caffeine!" The Captain thought she was going insane. At the moment, she thought that if she didn't get some coffee soon, she might start committing a spree of mass homicide. Either that, or pass out.  
  
++++  
  
19.9999999 minutes later, in Engineering.  
  
Vorik had just finished repairing the conduit. He was surprised at himself. He hadn't thought that he would be able to do it. B'Elanna came over and looked at his work. She slapped him on the back.  
  
"Good work, Ensign! Now go to Jeffries Tube 47 ALPHA and (insert Technobabble here) there."  
  
He sighed inwardly and said, "Yes, Lieutenant." An Ensign's work was never done.  
  
++++  
  
43 minutes later, on the Bridge...  
  
B'Elanna tapped her COM badge. "Torres to all hands except the Captain. Good work, crew. I will now enter the Ready-Room and repair the Captain's replicator. Once I am done, all the other replicators should come online. Wish me luck. Torres out."  
  
She took a deep breath and chimed the Ready-Room door.  
  
++++  
  
As soon as she chimed the door, in the Ready-Room...  
  
"Come in," the Captain said with exasperation.  
  
B'Elanna came in and said, "I need to one thing to your replicator, Captain."  
  
"Make it quick."  
  
B'Elanna crossed the room and started punching commands into the replicator. It only took her 5 minutes to finish the work. Though she was delighted, she kept a straight face. She punched in a few more commands and a pot of coffee and a big cup shimmered into existence. Captain Janeway didn't even hear, because she had such a big headache from the caffeine withdrawal. B'Elanna filled the cup and took both the pot and the cup to the desk at which Janeway sat. "Captain."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"I just thought you might like a cup of coffee."  
  
Janeway looked up at her. B'Elanna held out the cup, which was taken with great reverence. The Captain took a large gulp, visibly relaxed, and looked up at B'Elanna. "I love you," she said. "I've never loved anyone the way I love you."  
  
B'Elanna laughed. "It wasn't just me. The entire crew has been working no- stop since you came in this morning. Everyone, even the Doc and Neelix and Naomi. No one has slept, not even the night shift. They all wanted you to have your coffee."  
  
"Then I love them too," declared Janeway. She tapped her COM badge. "Janeway to all hands. Thank you so much. I love you all. Because you all worked together so well for my happiness at the expense of yours, I am declaring that there will be an extensive Shore Leave stop for all hands at the next suitable planet."  
  
A cheer went up from all corners of the ship.  
  
Tom kissed B'Elanna when she came out.  
  
Chakotay and Harry were envious.  
  
Seven was efficient.  
  
The Doctor had an ego bigger than the Borg.  
  
Neelix cooked lousy meals.  
  
Tuvok was Vulcan.  
  
The crew worked on a way home.  
  
And the Captain glugged her coffee.  
  
++++  
  
Well, it started out funny, even if it didn't end that way. Please review, but be kind. 


End file.
